Trick or Pocky?
by firefly
Summary: Rule number one of a horror parody: Never let the rookie nine split up in a potentially haunted, killer inhabited mansion, never say I'll be right back, and always, ALWAYS, expect the unexpected when even Sasuke dresses up as a devil in hot red spandex.
1. Much pocky?

Trick or Pocky?

By: firefly

Note: Dude, I haven't written some humour in a long while, have I? Well, here's a bit of crack I thought up before I went to bed, and I swear I wasn't under the influence of any drug when I wrote it. So please enjoy, and show me love with a review. Thanx!

Also, for those who don't know what pocky is, I suggest you visit Wikipedia, which OWNS Encarta's ass.

**Trick or Pocky?**

"How long do they expect us to sit around in this dump?" Ino huffed, rubbing her goosebumps as she looked around the dank, dark, freakish and lilac-scented waiting room of the abandoned Sarutobi Mansion.

"And why would they hold a Halloween party _here_, of all places?" Neji muttered, making sure he stayed away from the dark nooks and crannies. "Is this supposed to scare us?"

"We might as well make ourselves at home," Sakura sighed, fixing her witch hat before plopping down on a chair. "Kakashi-sensei might take a couple of hours."

"Let's just sneak out!" Kiba complained loudly from his spot by the fireplace. "I wanna toilet-paper the school!"

"But Kiba…Kurenai-sensei told us to wait here," Hinata said hesitantly, feeling even more reclusive because of her bunny costume. And no, you pervs, it was just a pair of cotton ears and tail attached to her regular outfit, along with drawn-in whiskers.

Everyone eventually fell silent, listening uncomfortably to the sound of Chouji munching on his Halloween candy.

Shikamaru had sprawled himself over a chaise lounge, using the cape of his Zorro costume as a blanket. The only reason he had bothered with such a troublesome costume was because Asuma had smoked a "special" cigarette three days ago, and had the idea to dress every single Genin for Halloween.

Without giving any idea of what was going on, the stoned Asuma made every Genin draw a slip out of a hat.

Neji had bitched loud enough to send every bird in Konoha into flight.

The Genins were assigned individual costumes, ones they HAD to wear, under the insane penalty that they'd never be able to take the chunnin exam ever again.

But anyway, Ino got the angel, and was now idly plucking the strings on her fake harp.

Witch for Sakura, who was now using the end of her broomstick to repel Lee.

Lee was the mummy, and was currently staggering around the room tripping over his bandages.

Chouji was the pumpkin, and was doing a rather splendid job of making the deflated pumpkin costume look plump.

Kiba was the vampire, and was attempting to keep Akamaru from licking the strawberry syrup off his chin and keep his oiled hair slicked back.

Shikamaru Zorro. He was snoring on the chaise.

Shino was Frankenstein's monster, and made the whole metal nuts and forehead stitches getup complete with the occasional bug that crawled across his face.

Hinata was the bunny, and kept nervously adjusting the bunny ears and tail.

Neji, the renowned Hyuuga prodigy, reluctantly dressed as a psycho surgeon, and kept scratching at the dark red paint that splattered his surgical mask and gown.

Tenten's costume was the most embarrassing. She was dressed as a pink Power Ranger and was now trying to make herself look as small as possible.

Sasuke, who hadn't spoken the whole day, had been forced into a red devil spandex costume, complete with the painted black goatee, red plastic trident, and hair that had been styled to curve into two horns that were sprayed red.

He was crying inside, relieved that Itachi couldn't see him now.

And Naruto—

"Hey," Sakura sat up suddenly. "Has anyone seen Naruto?"

"Idiot's probably locked himself in a closet," Sasuke muttered, yanking on the hot red spandex that clung to his tush.

"Or maybe," Kiba said with a sharp-toothed grin. "He got taken out by the vengeful spirits of the Sarutobi's!"

"You dumbass," Ino said scornfully over her left wing. "There are no such things as ghosts. It's more likely that he got jumped by some masked psycho on the way to the bathroom."

"N-Naruto-kun?" Hinata called weakly into a dark corridor, before pulling back to look at the others.

"What was Naruto-kun's c-costume?"

"He didn't have a costume," Sasuke said under his breath. "He came as himself."

"He dressed as a clown, Hinata," Sakura said comfortingly to the worried bunny. "Don't worry, he's probably around here somewhere."

Lee stopped stumbling around long enough to get the bandages out of his eyes and say the fateful words of doom from every "buncha-teens-get-locked-in-a-haunted-house-on-Halloween" movie.

"Hey, why don't we all just split up to look for him?"

Everyone seemed to realize the significance of the clichéd line, and were now staring at each other in paranoia.

"Dude," Kiba said seriously to Lee. "You're gonna get us all killed if you say anything else like that."

Lee shrugged good-naturedly, turning to walk into the dark corridor. "You guys don't have to, I'll go."

He turned and did the nice guy pose, one twinkling eye visible through the bandages.

"I'll be right back!"

Kiba's jaw dropped at the second clichéd line that escaped Lee's mouth, before the beautiful green mummy disappeared into the darkness.

"Oh my God, did you hear what the moron said!"

"W-What?" Hinata stammered, looking alarmed.

"He said he'd be _right back_!" Kiba exclaimed, with Akamaru barking in agreement. "You don't say that in these situations!"

"Silence, mutt," Neji ordered.

Kiba turned to glare at the stoic surgeon. "Don't say that to Akamaru!"

"I was talking to you."

"Why you"—

"Wait, you guys," Tenten suddenly stood up, looking alarmed. "Did you hear that?"

Everyone fell silent, long enough to hear the sound of something heavy being dragged through the dark halls that lay beyond.

"Holy cheese," Chouji mumbled through a mouthful of cheetos. "That was scary."

"Who was that?" Sakura whispered, looking terrified.

Neji activated his Byakugan, peering intently into the darkness. There was a moment of silence, and then a loud bang that startled them.

"Damn dobe," Sasuke said, annoyed as he yanked on the spandex again. "What does he think he's doing?"

"Neji-niisan," Hinata said hesitantly, trying to make her frail voice sound even frailer. "Can we look for N-Naruto-kun…?"

Neji looked down at the bunny ears, and the twitching black whiskers he'd drawn himself.

His heart melted a little.

"Fine," he mumbled. "You'll come with me."

"I'll go with Sasuke-kun!" Ino cried, jumping to her feet, only to be faced with a growling Sakura.

"He's going with me, you harpy!"

"Get out of my face, forehead girl!"

"Oi," Chouji said, chewing on some toffee. "Sasuke's long gone."

Ino and Sakura turned to look in the direction Chouji pointed in, and hesitated at the sight of a forbidden-looking hallway.

"Whatever," Ino said, recovering first. "I'll find Sasuke with Shikamaru."

"Oi, Shikamaru!" Ino yelled, standing over her slumbering teammate. "Get up!"

Shikamaru remained motionless, and Ino looked over her shoulder long enough to see Sakura take off with Tenten as her partner. A vein twitched in her temple.

"Wake up!" she screeched, breaking her harp over Shikamaru's head.

Groaning loudly, with Zorro's mask sitting lopsided on his face, Shikamaru was dragged out of the room by his cape.

Kiba, Chouji, and Shino looked at each other for a moment, and then followed suit, disappearing into the dark hallways.

The room was left empty, the silence eerie and foreboding, until shuffling footsteps entered the room. Someone who looked as if he had been dressed by a hobo entered the room, his leering face covered by a crudely stitched leather mask.

He jerked on the starter chain of his chainsaw.

_Puh-puh-puh-paaahhhhhh_…

He stared at the contraption in silence as it sputtered itself to death.

Sighing heavily, he fished in his pockets for a couple of batteries and replaced the old ones.

He yanked the starter chain again.

It started up with a roar, and now grinning maliciously, he stalked off into the darkness after his unsuspecting victims.

* * *

"Naruto-kun?" Hinata called meekly, cupping her hands over her mouth. "Where are you?"

Neji followed closely behind, eyeing the age-old portraits of long-dead Sarutobi's in the hallway. The back of his neck wouldn't stop prickling, despite his Byakugan being activated.

Peering through the walls was futile, as practically every room was pitch black inside.

He stopped at a certain painting, staring in bewilderment at a picture of melting faces. Reaching out, his gloved fingers smeared some of the melting paint off, eyes narrowing as he brushed it clean on his surgeon gown.

"Who uses oil-based paint for portraits?" he muttered in disgust. "Use acrylic, for God's sake, cheap bastards."

He turned, and blinked at the sight of the empty hallway before him.

The prickling on his neck intensified, and he couldn't help but panic a little when he darted forward, wide eyes searching for his bunny cousin.

"Hinata-sama?" he called, cursing as he tripped over the uprooted rug.

He stopped short at the sight of something white beneath his foot. Reaching down, his eyes widened when he saw that it was Hinata's cotton tail.

He paled.

"Hinata-sama!"

Clenching the tail in his fist, he ran off into the darkness in search of his cousin, completely oblivious to the shadowy figure that lurked after him.

* * *

Sasuke yanked the spandex off his tush for the sixth time, grumbling in annoyance as he stalked the halls.

_I'll kill the dobe when I find him, and I'll gut Kakashi for forcing me into this effing suit_! He swore inwardly, using his trident as a walking stick. But despite his bitching, he couldn't help but feel a little regal as his polyester cape fanned out majestically behind him.

Turning a corner, he stopped at the sight of an obscure figure at the end of the hall.

His eyes narrowed as the figure remained motionless.

"Oi, dobe, what do you think you're doing over there?"

The figure didn't answer, and Sasuke's irritation only grew when the red spandex started riding up his tush again.

"Listen, idiot. I'm not in the mood for this," he bit out through gritted teeth, starting forward. "I'll make good use of this damn spork."

He halted when the figure finally took a step forward, and a foot came into the dim light.

Sasuke stopped in mid-step, eyes focusing on the person's feet.

Autumn blueberry nail polish decorated the toenails.

_Revlon, $12.95…_

He found himself speechless as the other foot came into view, his shocked gaze slowly moving up the black cloak.

_There was only one person he knew who used that brand…_

Red clouds?

Sasuke's mouth went dry.

_It couldn't be…_

Twin Sharingans stared into his shocked eyes.

"Itachi?" Sasuke gasped, and then the next thing he knew his brother had bashed a metal salad tray over his head.

The last thing he remembered were the Autumn-blueberry coloured nails reaching for him before he blacked out.

* * *

"Sasuke-kun!" Sakura called out, sticking her head into every other room she passed. "Where are you? Hello?"

She sighed in dismay when she heard no answer, and instead turned to look at Tenten. The pink Power Ranger was watching the floor, and only when Sakura peered at the carpet did she see the trail of breadcrumbs.

"What the hell?"

"Isn't that the weirdest thing?" Tenten muttered, turning a corner with Sakura following. "Why do you suppose there's a trail of breadcrumbs here?"

"It reminds me of a story I read," Sakura commented thoughtfully. "It was about a brother and sister who were lost in the woods, and found their way out with breadcrumbs. And then there was something about a hag who wanted to eat them…"

"Cannibalism is so not healthy."

"I read somewhere that human flesh tastes like honey-glazed pork."

"That's sick."

"Yeah…do you like Neji?"

Tenten stopped, turning around to give Sakura a look of disbelief.

"Where the hell did that come from?"

Sakura shrugged. "Well, I don't know, I'm curious, and I wanna make sure I don't have any more competition for Sasuke."

Tenten grinned. "It wouldn't matter if I liked him or not. Neji is Hinata's bitch."

Sakura choked on her own saliva, trying to stifle her laughs. "W-What do you mean?"

Tenten shrugged, and kept on walking, following the trail of breadcrumbs.

"Like if we're training and he sees her coming back with the slightest scratch or bump, he drops everything and goes hollering, _Hinata-sama!_ It's funny, they seem so much closer after he tried to kill her at the chunnin exams…"

"That's so cute. Neji is pretty hot, you know," Sakura said boldly, grinning as she waited for Tenten's reaction. "I bet you're jealous of the attention he gives _Hinata-sama_."

"Pfft. As if," Tenten huffed, finally coming to a stop before a door, the trail of breadcrumbs ending. "Neji's a cancer. We're not compatible."

She pulled the door open, and the two stepped inside.

The door slammed shut behind them, but neither heard it. The sight in front of them pretty much took up all their attention.

A hump-backed figure stood hunched over a giant smoldering cauldron, and was currently adding some couscous into the mixture.

"W-Who are you?" Sakura finally stammered.

The figure straightened and turned towards them, and Tenten's eyes widened at the sight of the old hag's warped grin.

"Hello, dearies. I'm so glad you could join me," she purred, slowly advancing on the shocked girls. "Would you like to know what's for dinner?"

"No," Tenten said automatically, and ran at the door, trying to pry it open but to no avail.

"The door's locked," Sakura said blankly to Tenten. "Conserve your energy and help me take the old hag out. We're ninjas for God's sake."

"Oh yeah," Tenten said in embarrassment.

They both got into fighting stances.

"Oh my," the hag sighed. "I was hoping I wouldn't have to resort to this."

She reached into her robes, and pulled out a heavy-duty rolling pin.

"Well then, let's go bitches," she said calmly.

Tenten let out a battle cry and Sakura an indignant shriek as they both leapt into a fight for their lives.

* * *

"Hey tubby, would you chew with your mouth closed!" Kiba snapped at Chouji. "I can't hear myself think!"

Chouji was too busy relishing his Hershey chocolate to care about the insult as he, Kiba, and Shino descended some creaky stairs.

"Hey Shino," Kiba said, pausing suddenly on the stairs. "Why don't you send out some bugs to see what's going on with the others?"

"I already did," Shino said, nonchalant. "They told me that Sakura and Tenten are fighting with a cannibalistic old lady, Sasuke's been kidnapped, Lee is missing, Ino and Shikamaru are upstairs on the other side of the mansion, and Hinata, Neji, and Naruto are somewhere on the main floor."

"That's the dumbest joke I've ever heard."

"I don't joke."

"Are you telling me you're serious?" Kiba demanded, putting his hand against the end of the banister.

"What's next, you gonna tell me there are trap doors too?"

"Hey Kiba," Chouji said through a mouthful of rolos. "Shino just fell through the floor."

Kiba turned around to see that the stair Shino once stood on had collapsed, taking the bug boy with it into the darkness below.

Kiba blinked.

"Well damn…"

* * *

"Neji-niisan…?" Hinata whimpered in the darkness, her wide eyes darting around for any other sign of life. "Naruto-kun?"

She gasped, stumbling backwards from a closet when a muffled thump came from within. Activating her Byakugan, she peered into the closet's interior, struggling to make out the shape in the darkness.

Shaking visibly, she glanced around for anybody, wanting nothing more than to run in the other direction.

It took everything she had to approach the closet door, and then some to reach out and touch the knob. Just as she was about to turn the knob, a loud bang sounded as the door suddenly flew open, and a figure came crashing into her.

Hinata stumbled to the floor, shrieking and shoving off the body that fell on top of her. She sat up, and let out another shriek when she saw who it was.

"N-Naruto-kun?" she gasped, seeing the fox-boy bound and gagged on the floor, totally naked except for his ducky boxers and clown nose.

He stared up at her with wide eyes, his yelling muffled as he thrashed around on the floor.

"I'll untie you, Naruto-kun!" Hinata cried, crawling over to him. She pulled the gag out of his mouth, and Naruto's frantic voice filled the hall.

"Hinata! I got jumped by some hobo with a chainsaw! I kept biting and kicking him because I couldn't do any ninjutsu since he stuffed my mouth with pocky! Dude, pocky is awwwesooome," he slurred, his wide blue eyes glazed over with a sugar high.

"Dude, it was like, there was a pocky party in my mouth, and there was pocky from Sweden and Norway and China and even CANADA! Like, like, I think I love pocky. Hinata, dude, you gotta try some of this pocky shit. Oh my God, it's _nice_."

"That's…good," Hinata stuttered, alarmed at Naruto's behavior. "H-Hold still so I can untie you."

"But the pocky's in my veins. It's like boogie-down crystal meth for the sugar-deprived, you know? Hey, hey! What the hell is Dr. Kevorkian doing here?"

Hinata glanced up and gasped in relief when she saw Neji standing a few feet from her. But her smile faded when she saw his look of horror as he stared at the questionable sight before him.

All the blood drained from her face.

"N-Neji-niisan, this isn't w-what it looks like!" Hinata cried, stumbling away from Naruto, who leapt to his feet, wrapping his arms around himself.

"Hey doc, I am in serious need of some more pocky, you got any?" He yipped.

"Hinata-sama," Neji croaked in disbelief. "Please…just tell me you used protection."

Hinata nearly fainted.

"N-No! I just found him in the c-closet, Neji-niisan! We didn't d-do anything!"

"Yo guys, there's like, some guy standing over here. Hey guy, you got some pocky for me? I'll give you my boxers. They feel nice, yeah?" Naruto's babbling carried over to them from the end of the hall.

"N-Naruto-kun, who's there?" Hinata stammered.

Naruto screamed suddenly, then leapt from out of the darkness and into Neji's arms.

"You—I—he—that guy with sand in his pants!" Naruto screeched. "The one with the giant squash!"

The figure finally stepped out of the darkness, and Neji and Hinata's jaws dropped.

Gaara of the Sand looked at them quizzically, and for a moment they just stood in silence. Neither spoke for a good awkward minute, then finally…

"Have you seen my siblings?" he asked, tonelessly.

Naruto, Hinata, and Neji simultaneously shook their heads no.

Gaara seemed to deflate slightly at the answer, and turned to walk away again. He paused, then turned back around.

"Why are you all dressed like that?"

"Dude with the chainsaw stole my clothes," Naruto said. "And it's Halloween. Much pocky."

"Oh." He said, then turned around and left.

Neji dropped Naruto on the floor, who scrambled to his feet and instead clung to Hinata's arm, eliciting a full-blown blush from the Hyuuga bunny.

"Hey honey bunny!" Naruto exclaimed in a sing-song voice, swinging her hand back and forth. "Let's find us some pocky! Some pocky for you, some pocky for me, some pocky for"—

"Shut up," Neji ordered, nailing Naruto in the head with his stethoscope. "How did you get here anyway, you idiot?"

"Oh man, I had to go pee like you have no idea, because the lady at the last house gave me so much apple juice and you know my bladder couldn't take it"—

Neji thwacked him on the head again.

"Get to the point."

"Okay! Yeah, so I was wandering around and some hobo with a chainsaw comes out. I opened my mouth to say _Kage Bunshin no Jutsu_ and the guy sticks a buncha pocky in my mouth. He starts pulling off my clothes and I thought he was gonna ass-rape me or something so I kicked him a coupla times…"

Neji had to refrain from strangling Naruto with the stethoscope. "_And_?"

"And then there was like, this guy in a red spandex outfit who walked by at the end of the hallway, and the hobo tied me up and threw me in the closet and went after him, I think. But he gave me pocky!" Naruto pulled a handful of the yummy cookie sticks from the waistband of his boxers.

"You want one? You know you want it doc, pocky is sexy."

"You're insane," Neji said bluntly, batting Naruto's hand away. "Just shut up and walk behind us."

"Yes, yes, doctor knows best!"

"N-Naruto-kun," Hinata said hesitantly. "Neji-niisan isn't a real doctor, that's just a costume."

"I would hope so!" Naruto hollered, laughing hysterically and clutching his bare sides. "Look at those bloodstains! I'd fire your ass if you worked for me!"

This time Neji lost his patience, and wrapped the cord of the stethoscope around Naruto's neck.

Naruto's choked gasps filled the hall as Neji dragged him away, with Hinata scurrying close behind.

* * *

"Shikamaru, if you don't move any faster, I'll throw you down the stairs!"

"Why did you bring me if you were going to complain so much?" Shikamaru muttered. "You try walking in this cape."

"Hey, your pineapple head broke my harp, so don't complain."

Shikamaru didn't even bother to argue.

They finally finished ascending the stairs, and had just taken a few steps forward when Shikamaru slipped and fell on his tush.

"Don't offer to help me up," he muttered again as Ino knelt to look at the sticky substance on the floor.

She pressed her fingertips to the liquid, then brought it close to her face, her eyes widening in horrified recognition.

"Oh my God, it's chocolate syrup! My costume's going to get ruined!" she yelped. Shikamaru couldn't help but smile inwardly when she took a step forward and slipped, landing flat on her back.

"Eek! My hair!"

"You look nice as a brunette, Ino."

"Shut up! Ugh, I'm all sticky…damn it, I wonder if there's a shower around here," she mumbled, glancing around.

Shikamaru froze, registering this to be the third clichéd line he'd heard that night.

Never take a shower in these kinds of situations, even if you fall in a heap of fertilizer and take a swim afterwards in vomit.

_NEVER_ take a shower.

"I'm taking a shower!" Ino declared, crawling away from the puddle of chocolate syrup. "You stand guard."

The lazy genius knew there was no point in arguing, so he dragged himself over to a chair as Ino disappeared into some random bathroom.

Now, everybody knows what happens to the young, relatively attractive females who take showers in a house where a killer is running loose.

Besides, if you didn't learn a lesson from _Psycho_, then you deserved to be gutted.

Ino hummed to herself as she removed the chocolate syrup-stained clothes, letting them drop to the floor. She turned on the shower and stepped in, snorting in contempt when she saw a bottle of Pert Plus.

Meanwhile, Shikamaru was beginning to doze off in his chair when he heard a noise. Raising his head, he scowled into the darkness.

"Ino, I'm not moving to get you a towel. You should have got one before you went in."

The noise got louder, and the hairs on the back of his neck rose as he recognized it to be the grating sound of a chainsaw.

"Asuma-sensei?" he said uncertainly, slowly getting to his feet. "Is that you?"

The roar was deafening as someone resembling a hobo entered the hall, smiling dementedly from behind his leather mask.

"…" Shikamaru stared, and then formed a seal to get the hobo in a shadow-bind.

"_Kage_"—

The rest of his words were cut short when he stepped forward and slipped on the puddle of syrup again, flipping onto his back.

"Ow…"

When he opened his eyes, the chainsaw was swinging down at his head.

"Ack!" Shikamaru rolled out of the way, scrambling and slipping on the syrup. The hobo grinned, raising his chainsaw before he swung it again.

Shikamaru stepped backwards, this time slipping and flipping over the banister. The chainsaw plowed through the wooden banister, and the hobo looked over it to see that Shikamaru had focused his chakra right before he hit the floor, and was now hanging upside down from the wall.

Shaking his fist, the hobo started towards the stairs as Shikamaru took off running for dear life.

Meanwhile, Ino was enjoying her shower, blissfully unaware as most soon-to-be-victims are of the threatening presence that had entered the bathroom.

She had her eyes closed as she rinsed her hair, and couldn't see the shadowy figure behind the curtain.

(Cue _Psycho_ shower scene music here.)

A hand reached for the curtain, and Ino turned around just as it was yanked open.

Ino's screams filled the washroom, along with the chaotic screeching of violins.

"AAAAHHHH! AAAAAHHH! OMG! AAAAAAHHH!"

The obscured figure winced at the volume, and it was then that Ino noticed the lack of eyebrows.

"You sick pervert!" she screeched, tearing off the curtain to wrap it around her frame. "What the hell are you doing in our village?"

Gaara stared at her, looking mildly annoyed.

"Have you seen my siblings?" he asked flatly.

Ino stared at him incredulously, barely managing to shake her head.

Looking disappointed, he turned away and walked out of the bathroom, leaving Ino standing dumbfounded in the tub.

* * *

Lee was terrified. He was chained to a chair and had his eyelids pried open by some metal contraption, forcing him to look at the blank silver screen before him.

Some imposter posing as Gai-sensei led him to the room, convinced him to sit, and even managed to attach the contraption to Lee's eyes without resistance.

As later revealed to Lee, the supposed Gai-sensei turned out to be the hobo, who had simply used a cloning technique.

Now Lee was stuck, bloodshot eyes forced to stare at the screen. His eyes darted around in paranoia when he saw the hobo return, the malicious grin visible behind the leather mask.

Without a word, he placed a disc in a Panasonic DVD player and started up a projector.

Lee's eyes widened in horror when he saw what was on the disc. A repeated loop of people getting their eyebrows waxed, plucked, lasered, and threaded off flashed before his eyes, their agonized screaming blasting out from the surround-sound speakers.

He couldn't close his eyes, couldn't look away, couldn't do anything but watch and weep.

* * *

Sasuke woke with a groan, the bump on his head throbbing painfully.

He tried to move, and found that he was strapped down to a cold metal surface. Blinking blearily, he glanced around at his surroundings, eyes widening when he saw where he was.

It was an operating room, and looked as if it had recently been used for an organ fight. Blood splattered the walls, floor, and rusty equipment, along with little bits of something that made the Uchiha prodigy turn green.

He struggled to sit up, cursing when he raised his head and saw that he was securely strapped down to a metal gurney.

Then he stopped struggling suddenly, when he realized that his costume had been removed.

Raising his head again, he gaped when he saw himself clad in a pale blue hospital gown, legs bare from the knees down. A horrified grimace formed on his face when he realized that his entire behind was unclothed, as hospital gowns only provide frontal coverage.

And holy mother of God, where the hell was Itachi?

"Itachi, you sick bastard!" Sasuke yelled, struggling against the restraints. "I'll kill you this time for sure! I'll avenge our family! I'll"—

He stopped short when he realized something.

"Why the hell did you undress me?"

Someone finally came through a curtain, and Sasuke raised his head and was about to spout more avenger BS when he saw that it wasn't Itachi.

"Who the hell are you?" Sasuke demanded as some whacked out hobo-looking guy entered the room, wearing a surgeon's mask and gown. He merely grinned and shook his head, then walked closer to stand next to the gurney.

"Get away from me," Sasuke snarled, attempting to bite the hand that raised a mirror above his face.

The hobo beckoned him to look at his reflection, and Sasuke reluctantly looked up.

All the blood drained from his face when he saw the stenciled chalk-line going across his forehead.

"…?" The hobo raised a scalpel, cocking his head to the side as if asking for approval, and then raised his chainsaw, looking contemplative.

"Untie me!" Sasuke snapped, trying to sound unaffected in the face of an extremely messy death. "I have to go after Itachi to avenge my"—

The hobo cut him off with a tired wave of his hand, then mimicked a copy jutsu, pointing to himself.

"…it was you?" Sasuke whispered, deflating back onto the gurney. All hopes of going out with glory were gone from his mind now. He raised his head, aiming the most horrible glare he could muster at the hobo.

He was unable to move, that was clear, and he seemed to be under the influence of some kind of drug, but…

Heaven be damned if he was going to go quietly.

Sasuke opened his mouth as the chainsaw started up with a roar, and screamed bloody murder as it descended towards his forehead.

The hobo was having much fun now. He'd gotten the so-called Uchiha prodigy screaming for his mother here on the gurney, had further retarded the Kyuubi-possessed kid, was torturing the mummy, had his mother battling two girls, and was in the process of capturing that damn pineapple head.

Yes, things were going great, and he was just about to split open the thrashing Uchiha's head when he saw someone walk by from the corner of his eye.

"…?" he lowered the chainsaw, turning it off and setting it down on a table.

Sasuke lay there gasping for breath and inwardly thanking the poor soul who caught the hobo's attention, and busied himself by reaching for the scalpel the hobo foolishly left near his hand.

The hobo grabbed the chainsaw again on his way out, stomping after whoever had interrupted the operation.

His grin widened when he saw the same person walking leisurely down the hallway. He silently crept forward, sneaking up behind him as the person stopped at a junction between two halls.

The hobo raised the chainsaw, started it up, and made a demented happy face when the person turned around as he swung it down.

But instead of blood splattering the walls there was…sand?

A wall of sand prevented the chainsaw from maiming him. The hobo stepped back, dumbfounded when he saw that all of the chainsaw's teeth had been chipped off.

Gaara stared blankly at the hobo, completely unperturbed by the attempted murder.

He was too distracted by the need to ask a question anyway.

"Have you seen my siblings?" the redhead asked bluntly.

"…" the hobo slowly shook his head.

Looking disappointed, Gaara sighed heavily before turning away and walking in the opposite direction, leaving the hobo with a WTF? expression on his face.

* * *

Note: Gah, that's enough for now. Anyway, look forward to the next and probably last chappy, where the hobo's identity is revealed, Neji gets attacked by birds, Shino keeps falling through trap doors, Kiba is assaulted by poltergeists, and I finally explain why the hell Gaara is there looking for his siblings. Right now, though, I would greatly appreciate your lovely, HELPFULreviews! Do tell me what part you liked best, what part makes you think I should re-evaluate my sanity, etc.

Pocky for you if you do! Thanx.


	2. Voodoo For Dummies

Trick or Pocky ch.2

By: firefly

Note: Sorry for the delay! I decided to be an idiot and tackle three writing projects at once! (Head x desk) Thanx for your patience and wonderful reviews! Now, on with the fic.

**Voodoo for Dummies**

The hobo was confused as he slowly walked back to where he left the screaming Uchiha. Some random redhead had just chipped off all his chainsaw's teeth and asked a random question about some random siblings.

…whatever.

The hobo shrugged, pulled a new chainsaw out from the closet, and walked back into the operating room with a leer.

He stopped, mouth dropping open behind the mask when he saw that the gurney was empty.

Growling in rage, he shook his fist at the empty gurney, furious not only because Sasuke had escaped, but because the Uchiha had the gall to steal the scalpel, too.

* * *

Sasuke stopped running after twenty minutes, choosing to rest next to an enormous grandfather clock. Gasping for breath, he lifted his head, looking around for any other sign of life.

He straightened, trying to maintain his composure.

"Okay, Sasuke," he whispered to himself. "Stay calm. Think yoga…" at this point he blushed, remembering the TV yoga instructor he had a crush on. He opened his eyes, glaring determinedly ahead.

_First things first_, he thought, walking into a different corridor. _Find some clothes_…

Meanwhile, Neji, Hinata, and Naruto were walking through one of the endless hallways. Well, Neji and Hinata were walking, whereas Naruto was bouncing off the walls.

"Hey doctor!" he yelled into Neji's stethoscope, earning a gentle fist in the gut. "Can you prescribe me some pocky?"

"Get away from me," Neji hissed, attempting an awkward Jyuuken pose with his surgical gown. "Or…"

He trailed off when he saw Hinata's fearful look, his heart wringing at the sight.

"Hinata-sama," he said as calmly as he could with Naruto rubbing his face up and down his leg, purring. "If he doesn't stop this soon, I'll incapacitate him."

"Honey Bunny!" Naruto sang, leaping forward and glomping Hinata before she could respond. "Save me from this crazy bastard!"

Hinata turned bright red, while Neji acquired a more frightening shade of puce.

"You retarded imbecile!" his voice bordered on a shriek. "Get away from Hinata-sama!"

Naruto let out a high-pitched scream as Neji dove for him, moving out of the way so the crazed surgeon crashed into Hinata instead.

"Oof!" Hinata went sprawling onto the ground, Neji tripping over her legs and into a decorative suit of armor. There was the crash of the armor collapsing on the Hyuuga genius, followed by Naruto's hysterical laughter.

"Neji-niisan!" Hinata cried, stumbling to her feet and towards the pile of metal burying her cousin. "Are…are you all right?"

Neji sat up, and Naruto doubled over onto the floor, laughing so hard that tears streamed down his face.

"I'll kill him," Neji growled, sounding strangely hollow from within the metal helmet.

The once proud red feather on the helmet lay crooked and broken across the slit for his eyes, the rest of the armor clanking noisily as Hinata helped him to his feet.

Neji grabbed either side of the helmet, jerking it upwards.

Oh GOD.

"Is it…stuck?" Hinata asked hesitantly, practically seeing steam rise from the holes.

He yanked on it again, his rage growing as Naruto continued to laugh like there was no tomorrow. Giving up, he grudgingly let Hinata grab the helmet and help pull.

Bending over, he braced himself as he pulled back at the same time Hinata yanked on the helmet. Somehow, Naruto ended up getting behind him and was sent flying when Neji crashed into him.

Unfortunately at the same moment, a certain Uchiha had followed the commotion and had entered the hallway just as the helmet came off.

"Oof!" Sasuke went flying back as well as Hinata crashed into him.

For a second all four of them lay on the ground, completely winded, and then…

"Hey Neji," Naruto whispered into his ear, giggling. "I didn't know you liked being on top."

Neji leapt off of him, grabbing him by his neck before delivering him a gentle fist that sent him flying through a wall. Puffing furiously, he turned around, the sight before him nearly made the twitching vein in his temple explode.

"Hinata-sama!" He rushed forward, pulling the distraught and blushing bunny off of a disgruntled and hospital gown-clad Sasuke.

"What the hell were you people doing?" Sasuke snapped, getting to his feet and glaring. "Do you have any idea what's going on?"

"Hey sexy!" Naruto called as he crawled out from the rubble. "Nice ass!"

Sasuke blanched and Neji was too late in preventing Hinata from seeing Sasuke's creamy white tush from the backless end of the hospital gown.

"Ummph!" Hinata's cry was muffled when Neji threw both gloved hands awkwardly over her face, covering her nose and one eye.

"Make yourself decent, Uchiha!" Neji snapped, glaring his patented **Gaara Approved Glare**.

"Some freakish hobo guy took my clothes!" Sasuke snapped back, blushing as he backed up against the wall.

"DUDE!" Naruto rushed up to him, pointing gleefully down at his own ducky boxers. "Did that hobo guy try to ass-rape you too? Hey, I'll trade you my boxers for some pocky! They feel nice, yeah?"

"What happened to him?" Sasuke asked blankly, with Naruto babbling in the background.

"Same thing that happened to you," Neji retorted, unaware of Hinata's blue face. "Apparently some person resembling a hobo is terrorizing everybody."

"Ne…ji…" Hinata wheezed.

"Yes, Hinata-sama?"

"Can't…breathe…!" her knees buckled when Neji released, looking flustered. Sasuke scoffed as Neji knelt by his cousin's side, looking concerned as she gasped for breath.

"I'm sorry, Hinata-sama. It was to conserve your innocence. If it wasn't for this Uchiha _pig"—_

"WHAT did you call me, you Hyuuga rat?" Sasuke snarled, trying and failing to look threatening in his fake goatee and backless hospital gown.

"You heard me, you dog!"

"I didn't undress by choice, you Hyuuga…" he struggled for a word.

"Cow!"

Neji rose to his feet, looking outraged beyond all reason.

"_COW_?"

"You guys do realize you're referring to each other as barnyard animals?" Naruto inputted gleefully from the side.

"Shut up!" They snapped simultaneously, making the fox-boy whimper.

"P-Please, stop fighting," Hinata pleaded, stepping between the two furious prodigies. As with most situations involving a pleading, innocent girl, the two powerhouses deflated almost immediately, turning away from each other in a huff.

Glancing at Sasuke, Hinata blushed before she unzipped her coat, holding it out to him.

"H-Here," she stammered, as he eyed the beige coat questioningly. "You can tie this around your waist."

As he was in no state to even attempt to look cool or aloof, he had no choice but to accept. Neji fumed silently in the background and Naruto laughed and pointed as Sasuke tied the coat around his waist, grateful for hiding his tush at last.

"You can k-keep the coat," Hinata mumbled, so only he could hear.

He just nodded in response, humiliation oozing from every pore.

"Hey Mr. Cheeks," Naruto sang, running up next to the stoic Uchiha. "Wanna stick with the doc and Honey Bunny and me?"

Sasuke glared at Neji, and then shuddered at the memory of nearly having his head split open.

"Fine."

* * *

Tenten collapsed against the kitchen counter, gasping for breath as Sakura sank to the floor, clutching a shoulder injury.

They were both covered in flour from head to toe after the hag had gotten desperate and started swinging a bag of flour at them. Fortunately, Sakura's big brain and Tenten's skills resulted in them devising a plan, which basically consisted of:

I crouch on the floor behind her, and you push her so she falls into the cauldron. Score!

"That…" Sakura wheezed, clutching her shoulder. "…was one stone-cold bitch."

"Yeah," Tenten nodded in agreement, sending up plumes of flour as she patted her buns. "And you're right…human flesh smells like glazed pork."

They both glanced at the cauldron, grimacing as the smell of cooked flesh filled the kitchen.

"Let's get the hell out of here."

"Yes, let's."

They both rose shakily and headed towards the door, which like in all post fight-to-the-death circumstances, swung open easily.

They stopped dead, staring open-mouthed at the person in the doorway.

Gaara blinked at the two ghosts in front of him, cocking his head to the side as one of them coughed, sending up plumes of flour.

"Have you seen my siblings?"

They shook their heads no.

"…" he paused before turning. "What's that smell?"

"Old hag boiling," Tenten said flatly. "And couscous."

"Oh." He said blankly, then turned around and left.

* * *

On the other side of the mansion, Shikamaru had run into Chouji and Kiba, and despite it being troublesome, he explained his run-in with the chainsaw-wielding hobo and how he left Ino behind.

"Jeez, you left her alone in the shower?" Kiba groaned, smacking his hand against his forehead. "Don't you know what happens to naked girls in showers?"

"They get clean?" Chouji suggested, chomping on some expired candy canes.

"Just…shut up," Kiba said in exasperation, stopping before a closed door. "Anyway, Shikamaru, we gotta find Shino. He fell through the floor a little while back."

Kiba opened the door, blinking in surprise as Shino raised his head, covered in cobwebs and dust.

"That was fast," Kiba commented in awe.

"Kiba," Shino started, sounding remarkably nonchalant as the vampire reached up to pull the light bulb chain. "Don't pull"—

Kiba, Chouji, and Shikamaru blinked when the floor beneath Shino collapsed, and he disappeared with a monotone "oof" into the darkness.

"Um…" Kiba scratched at his hair. "Should we follow him?"

"Are you joking?" Shikamaru said, annoyed. "We might end up in a sewage dump."

"Yeah…besides, my mom would kick my ass if I got this dress shirt dirty."

Chouji sighed, shaking his head.

"It really pays to have friends like you."

* * *

"Damn Shikamaru," Ino muttered under her breath, stalking through the halls in a makeshift shower curtain outfit. "He could have at least left me some clothes."

She continued to mutter as she ascended some stairs. "Stupid Shikamaru. Because of him that sand freak got a peepshow."

Her rage grew with each step.

"Idiot Shikamaru!" she snarled, punching a hole through some old guy's portrait. "I'll break open his pineapple head!"

The hobo watched the blonde's tirade from the shadows, a sweatdrop forming on the back of his head as she tore down the portrait and started stomping on it.

"…" he stared at her, and then walked away, deciding to come back for her when she would be easier to deal with.

Ino threw the shattered portrait's remains over the banister, breathing deeply as she imagined the crashing to be Shikamaru's body through a twentieth-floor window.

Feeling slightly better, she continued on her way, punching holes through random portraits of random old farts. She stopped, however, when she heard the sounds of screams. Stiffening, she slowly turned her head in the direction of the screams, her eyes settling on a set of two double doors.

Looking side to side, she secured the shower curtain and looked around for a weapon.

Grabbing a candelabra, she yanked off the candles and eyed the long spikes coming out of the candle holders.

Holding it tightly in one hand, she slowly pushed open the door.

The screams immediately grew louder, and her eyes widened when she saw that they were coming from a projector that was playing a loop of people getting their eyebrows waxed, lasered, threaded, and plucked.

"What the hell is this?" Ino said aloud, wondering if the owner had a fetish for eyebrows.

She stopped next to the projector, eyeing it suspiciously before she smashed it with the candelabra.

"T-Thank you…"

Ino yelped, turning to see Rock Lee strapped down in a chair next to her, bloodshot and tear-filled eyes staring at the screen.

"Oh my God," she slapped her hands to her face, realizing how long he must have been there and the torture he was forced to endure.

Feeling extra-sympathetic, she took special care in not further harming his eyelids when she removed the contraption that held them open. He continued to stare at the blank screen with glazed eyes, even after she had untied him.

"Lee?" she said hesitantly, gently prodding his shoulder. "Are you okay?"

"Eyebrows…" he whimpered, tearing up as he slowly got to his feet. "Their…_eyebrows_…"

He burst into tears, and Ino couldn't help but feel sorry for him.

Lee turned towards her, gratefully falling into her comforting arms so he could sob on her shoulder.

"Eyebrows…! T-Their…_eyebrows_…!" he sobbed, as Ino awkwardly patted him on his bandaged back.

"There, there," she said comfortingly, at a loss for words. "You still have…_your_ eyebrows…"

_I'm not sure whether that's a good thing or a bad thing_, she added mentally.

"Ino-san," he whimpered, sniffing. "Why are you…wearing a shower curtain?"

Her eyes glinted, hardening into steely blue orbs.

"Don't worry about it," Ino cooed, putting an arm around his shoulders as she guided him back into the hallway. "You'll find out when we see Shikamaru."

* * *

The hobo was, to say the least, quite pissed off when he saw that all those he'd captured had somehow escaped.

Sighing, he flopped down on a leather loveseat and eyed what lay on his tabletop. A leer overtook his features as he reached for one of the dolls, fingering the crude twitching.

Well, he needed a break, and he felt like messing with their heads.

Grinning, he held up the black-haired and white-eyed doll, and flicked it in the shoulder.

* * *

"Ouch," Neji muttered, rubbing his shoulder as they walked into a den.

Hinata turned to give her cousin a concerned look, reaching up to touch his shoulder.

"Are you all right Neji-niisan?" she asked, unaware of the fact that Neji's heart had oozed into a blob of happiness in the pit of his stomach.

"Yes, Hinata-sama," he said reassuringly. "Don't worry."

"Eheheh…" Naruto leered at Neji. "Look at the surgeon! He's turning all pink like strawberry pocky!"

"Enough with the pocky, dobe," Sasuke said, punching the bouncing fox-boy on the shoulder. "And go put on a pillow-case. I can't stand the sight of those hideous boxers."

"Hey man," Naruto said seriously, getting up in Sasuke's face. "If you got a problem with the duckies, you got a problem with _me_."

"I've _always_ had a problem with _you_," Sasuke retorted, shoving him away. "Because you're a jackass."

"It hurts when you say that, Mr. Cheeks," Naruto sniffed.

"Stop calling me that!"

"Okay…Mr. Horny Devil."

Sasuke grabbed the nearest object, which just happened to be an Encyclopedia Britannica, and bashed it over Naruto's head.

"Oww! You're an even bigger bastard than the surgeon!"

"Would you two stop it?" Neji said irritably, rubbing his shoulder, only to double over a second later, yelping.

"Neji-niisan! What's wrong?" Hinata cried when Neji fell to the floor, clutching his sides. At first Sasuke, Hinata, and Naruto thought he was screaming in agony, but the high-pitched giggling and sobbing in between screams suggested otherwise.

"Ha ha ha! Ha ha—stop…! Stop whoever's…ha ha ha! Stop tickling—hahahaha!" Neji had tears in his eyes as he rolled around on the floor, laughing and sobbing at the same time.

Then as soon as it came, it stopped, leaving the Hyuuga genius panting in an undignified heap on the ground.

Naruto was pointing and laughing again, whereas Hinata and Sasuke both looked disturbed and paranoid.

"Hinata-sama," Neji rasped from the floor, sitting up. "Someone's…attacking us…from a different…location."

Sasuke stiffened suddenly, and Hinata and Neji both raised their wide eyes, waiting for him to fall over and make an ass out of himself.

But Sasuke just smirked.

"I'm not ticklish."

As soon as he said that, however, his legs moved and he walked right into the wall.

"Ouch," he muttered, rubbing his nose after falling to the floor.

Naruto yelped, and they all glanced at the floor to see him attempting to swim on the carpet. Then he suddenly shot to his feet, and started doing the Charleston.

"Dude," Naruto said, staring at them wide-eyed. "There's some weird voodoo shit going on here!"

And with that he stopped, tripping over his feet and falling over one of the sofas in the den.

Hinata squeaked suddenly when her arms shot out by her sides and she started doing jumping jacks, which eventually changed to lunges.

"N-Neji! Help!" She cried when she suddenly took a running leap, diving through the air and towards a coffee table.

Neji however, had suddenly gone stiff and started doing the Robot, arms moving to and fro in rigid movements as his head tilted at weird angles.

"I got ya Honey Bunny!" Naruto shouted, running forward with his arms outstretched. He slipped on the rug and crashed through the coffee table instead, only to have Hinata land safely on his back a moment later.

"You sick bastard!" Sasuke shouted at the ceiling as he started doing the stayin' alive dance from _Saturday Night Live_. "Stop it!"

Neji helped Hinata off of Naruto's back, who had gone cross-eyed and had his tongue lolling out the side of his mouth.

Sasuke stopped, and for a moment nothing happened to either of them. Then suddenly Neji turned towards Sasuke in a jerky fashion, which Sasuke mimicked a second later.

Their eyes widened in horror when their arms rose from their sides, outstretched towards each other.

"NOO!" They yelled simultaneously, throwing themselves into each other's arms. "This is _wrong_!"

"That's sweet," Naruto sighed after getting up off the floor and putting an arm around Hinata's shoulder. "Say Honey Bunny, wanna give me some pocky love?"

"Neji," Sasuke said through gritted teeth, head lying against the Hyuuga's shoulder. "If we get out of this…"

"We'll never mention it again," Neji finished for him, solemnly promising himself to Gentle Fist the hobo into another dimension.

There was a moment of awkward silence, and then suddenly the two prodigies moved and staggered away from each other, shuddering in disgust.

There was another moment of awkward silence, until Sasuke finally spoke.

"…you use Irish Spring?"

"…yes."

"Me too."

* * *

Note: Next chapter is the conclusion! Please entertain me with rant-like reviews and your guesses on who the hobo might be. Also, comments on your favourite parts wouldn't hurt either! 


End file.
